i've been getting into the binding of isaac lately. i found the title of a short series of streams from wayneradiotv to be quite fascinating. i ripped it for the title of this piece of writing. when applied to the logic of the game, it simply indicates someone's drive to explore every corner of it; pick up every item, beat every boss as every character, max out the greed machine, etc. i've found that the phrase i wanna be a dead god carries a lot of weight to it though. it sounds childish. it sounds naiive. it sounds like a child who doesn't know what they want out of life because they have the inability to plan for the future.
the binding of isaac (rebirth/afterbirth/repentence/rep+beta) has become an incredibly important game for me. i think it's because i see a lot of myself in isaac, i experience everything in such an abstract way because i'm in my own head all the time. i don't really know who i am, with spare exceptions. my mother is a religious zealot, and my father honestly just wasn't all that great but given the circumstances i find him to be much more desirable to spend time with than the latter.
i've believed for so much of my life that i am something satanic, that i was not created in the image of god because of all the dogma injected into my heads, my parents' heads my sister's head to the point where i don't really know how to be anything beautiful. i don't even really want to be anything beautiful. i don't want to be anything at all.
i've had no great aspirations throughout my entire life, i've lived not planning for the future because i didn't think i'd live long enough to have agency over my own existence. asking someone in my position to create a 401k or whatever investment method cole told me about is a tall order because frankly i dont plan on living long enough to have used it.
i've overstayed my welcome, i haven't checked out in months, the staff is begging me to leave but i just don't because of some game that i just so happen to really really like more than anything in the world and i just need to see it out til the end.
bit of a shorter one today, i've got more writing to do later.
i just want to see DELTARUNE, and while i'm waiting i'll become a dead god along the way.