6/1/26
i'm coming to the slow realization that nothing will help me get any better, primarily because i don't really want to get better, i want to get worse. i don't want to be this kind of animal anymore, but i won't do anything to stop me from sharpening my teeth.
i've got nothing in this world for me. the vast majority of the people that i knew don't really talk to me anymore, and it's my fault; i left and they continued on with their lives because that's what you're supposed to do when you're alive.
the past six months flew by and i barely even noticed. i'm terrified that i may lose my job at the end of the school year because i'm not in school yet and i don't know if i'm going to be enrolled for college in time for it to be reasonable to return. i'll pray another janitorial position opens up in the school but even then i don't know if they'd want me. frankly i'm not even all that special, i just figured out how to vacuum all of the rooms in the school in the most efficient way possible. i have to kill a lot of time doing fuck all in order to finish out my shift without just sitting around waiting for it to be over. i have to ration out my stalling, because i'm terrified that people will look at me and want me dead because i'm doing such a shit job at hiding the fact that my job is not particularly demanding.
everyone's moving on, and i'm staying while closing everybody off because i've got too much shit wrong with me to have any sort of desire to keep them around. i don't want to hurt them with my own shit.
my only grandma's dead; ain't nobody praying for me.
if god made me this way then i don't think he trusts me.
i simultaneously have a terrible inferiority and superiority complex. i don't know how this happened to me or why i deserve to deal with these contradictory issues. i find it hard to believe that people have as fleshed out of an inner world as myself, and maybe there's some truth to that, but i allow that to sink into my evaluation of them as individuals.
even though i know i'm a lot to deal with i wish i could feel like i can answer the question of "how's your day been" with any amount of honesty.
i doubt i'd be abandoned, but i know that nobody wants to really talk afterwards, they'd rather change the subject and i do my best to switch up the vibe, i'll play it off every single time.
i don't know man
i need to cancel my climbing gym subscription, i haven't gone nearly enough for it to be worth it. it was at one time and the time has passed and if everything goes well there will be another cloud drifting by.
though i doubt that cloud will ever come. i'm talking to my friends less and less every single day. i don't really make any effort to stay in contact with people becase i've always seemed to forget that they care about me unless they're immediately in front of me.
the shorthand i used for this in the past has been the lack of object permanance. it's a narrative device i employed in an attempt to describe exactly what i'm dealing with. naturally, people in the real world don't tend to apply their literary analysis skills to an actual person. perhaps that is why my communication remains uneffective every single time i try to convey ideas. i'm not sure.
at the same time though when it comes to storytelling, i'm far to heavyhanded with my delivery of thematic statements. kojima does the same but he's a rare success case. i don't have the same luck, i'm just a tranny from bumfuck nowhere colorado who sits in its basement all day and punishes itself for being a piece of shit by staying awake as late as its body can manage.
what i'm getting at is that i've got nothing to offer and i sleep on trash.
i don't know how long it's been since i've changed my bedsheets. that's a lie it's been about 5 weeks, which is indicative of the amount of time this slump has lasted. i'm sure it will continue to last.
i've given up on life because i'm doomed to sabotage myself every single time things start to go well.
i feel guilty when i start to enjoy anything about my life because frankly i haven't done much to earn it.
looking at my life from a solely material standpoint, i'm an utter disappointment. maybe getting into leftism was a terrible idea because not only has it made me a little bit annoying, i've felt nothing but guilt for my very existance. i should be doing more to offset the middle class money, i should be doing the shit i read in the books i read, leading the revolution in a town of 10k people.
i'm just so fucking sad all the time, it's hard to imagine anybody feeling as awful as i do.
my internal world is so built up because i've nowhere else to go, i've not had anything but an internal world to go to for my entire life. no wonder i've lost touch with reality, no wonder nothing feels real unless it's nighttime and i'm alone and the only loud sounds are coming from my headphones and occasionally the speakers hooked up to my atlp60x
i don't get along well with people that get along well with their parents.
you've got someone there for you all the time in everything you do. you've got people who you can trust standing by you. it disgusts me quite frankly.
that statement is illogical, i know, and obviously it's not something i mean, it's jealousy through and through and anybody with any level of skill in deductive reasoning could figure that out but i feel the need to spell out when i'm making an objective statement to encapsulate the undercurrent of feelings in my brain tissue.
i did something bad.
i'm not allowed to go outside anymore
i feel something bad. i don't like this feeling.
i indulge in these awful feelings i give myself because to a point i really enjoy being sad. one of the most exciting effects of estrogen to me was the fact that i would be able to cry a lot more. i'm truly a crybaby at heart, it's a little baffling.
i've always had a place to go no matter what's happening outside, it just so happens that everything is happening outside all the time.
i wonder how common an occurance it is to get money from family members that you delibrately avoid talking to.
i wonder how common an occurance it is to forget about the fact that you really haven't talked to your mom for 5 months.
the most emotionally charged statement i made towards her is when she commented on my body
i was in the garage and i don't really remember why. i wish i wasn't there, i don't think it was necessary for me to show up in the space that i occupied. maybe i wasn't there.
she told me i looked thin, which is especially noticable when i wear the xxl black t shirt that i have. i like wearing that shirt because it makes me look thin.
i said to her i've been thin, because i wanted to get under her skin. she wouldn't notice because she hasn't been in my life for the past while. it'd only been about a month at that point.
you wanna know something she did that still scares me to this day?
i was hanging out with 8 of my friends on halloween of 2025. it was about 2am when i drove over to the gas station with 2 of them to get some snacks. i get to the house and lay on the floor to try and get some sleep. it might've been possible if not for what my mother said to me over a text message.
i opened my messages app for some reason, and below the silenced notification lay the message "whatcha doing?"
_
terror filled my heart. i thought that i was going to die. i thought that i was going to be escorted off the premises. i couldn't respond, of course i couldn't. i couldn't sleep after that either, i would've gotten used to the floor eventually but the state of pure survival that hearing my mom speaking puts me into keeps me up for days straight.
what made this message especially bad is how safe i felt beforehand. i was surrounded by so many wonderful people, i was up in one of my favorite parts of the night, I FELT FREE IN THOSE HOURS.
i get really scared every time i leave the house after midnight. i get really worried she might be stalking my location. i'd block her if she wasn't in the apple family plan. i pray she gets removed soon.
if i didn't have to pay for hrt i'd probably try to pay my own phone bill.
but at the same time i don't know how those things work. i don't really know how a lot of life is organized in the actual structure of society. i've always existed outside of it because my parents didn't want to teach me how to do anything beyond the bare minimum.
i grew suspicious that they did so to keep me dependent on them.
i'll never know if that's true.
i've never filed taxes despite having a job for two years. i just never got a w-2 form that's the main issue, i don't really know what i'm supposed to file, it's just direct deposits to the bank, and there's not really information there as to how much of the money was lost to income tax. i'm lucky it's so insignificant that no federal agency would bother wasting the resources on me. i hope this tax season is the same but i do get worried that they'll notice this time, or they'll care cause i'm an adult and i'll go to jail forever and i'll die because i won't be able to see deltarune fanart or play deltarune.
but i'm also worried to ask for a w-2 form because they'll laugh at me for taking 2 fucking years to ask if i should have one, they'll place the blame on me because that's what everyone does because kids are stupid and they're to blame and their parents are probably not to blame, i mean the kid's 18 they should understand the inner workings of everything in the entire world.
i'm worried to get on an antidepressant because i know the time's gonna come when i start to believe that it's turning me into something that is not myself because being sad is a core part of my identity at this point. if it wasn't for me being debilitatingly depressed what am i? i lose my depth and introspectiveness and self-awareness and i lose my internal world because i start doing things in the real world. it's better inside my head where things don't have to be real to feel real, and everything i feel is the only things that matter.
this is a troubling area to be in, and i've been afraid to share it with a therapist because i get scared that they'll give me some solution that will actually work permanently.
i can never tell therapists the whole truth because i'm in such a terrible position that if i did i'd end up in a mental institute
maybe that wouldn't be the worst thing to be honest because then i can work on slurm contrivance, and then all the sudden in like 10 years after it ends when a nexpo-type youtuber makes a 10 hour video about the comic/multimedia thing, they'll say some shit like "and some of the earliest parts of this comic were written inside of a mental institution, the first of many unfortunante happenstance which would lead to her suicide after the story's conclusion.
and then they can go on to mischaracterize every single character in the story.
i'm also scared to make therapists do their job. i think because of how my parents raised me i've kind of always felt that they were disinterested and only in it for the money. i know that's rarely true, i just can't help but see it in them. another part of it just has to do with how structured therapy is. the conversation will flow naturally to a very important subject but i notice it's 5 minutes until the top of the hour so i have to stray away from getting really into the weeds because then i'm gonna have to bring it up next time and then i'm going to have to recreate the feeling i was feeling at the end of the previous session to get across all the ideas i need to get across so that they understand the severity of the situation, and therefore are more understanding of why i work a fake ass job.
i've got to clean my desk better
i've got to take that trash bag out of the trash and into the bin in the garage.
i have to do these things when my dad's asleep because i'm scared that he'll catch on to the whole sleeping on trash thing, i'd rather have that plausible deniability you know. yeah man i have my shit together i'm doing fucking incredible. dont worry about why i start crying when you start to talk about college and work and all those things. don't worry about why i start crying when you talk about the newfound hobby for climbing. don't ask why i start crying on christmas. don't ask why i stay up so late, it's really fucking concerning why okay man!!
i think my desperation for attention is pretty understandable upon realizing that nobody's really given me the time of day. teachers never saw me struggling cause my grades were good. counselors never cared because my grades were good despite my overwhelming number of abcenses time and time again. i'd never been good at going to school. freshman year the mid-day security guy knew me by 'name' because it was so often i would show up for band and absoultely nothing else. that year fucking sucked. the next year fucking sucked. junior year fucking sucked. senior year was the worst, i've been over every single reason why.
maybe i'm just ungrateful though i don't really know
maybe everything in this world's a bit shit though and everyone's pretending to like things when they're going well on paper because they have no interest in seeing a world that cares about them more than nominally.
i don't think many of those words were exactly correct describing what i'm actually getting at but just feel it out.
i love how inaccessible these webpages are. nobody knows how to get to 4/5 of these weird writings because they aren't linked anywhere! it's so genius. it's not like anybody's going to guess them anyway unless they really pay attention to me in the way that i do others though.
that's one thing i pride myself in, i'm extraordinarily observant. i've learned to read every social situation near perfectly, i just don't really know how to interact with them.
this actually segues into the next topic perfectly!
when i'm thinking of my ideal body i don't really see anything anymore. i don't really want to look masculine or feminine or even particularly androgynous though it is the best of the three options available. i think if i had to pick a form remotely close to human and i could do anything i wanted i would strongly desire a qou body, but ultimately corru isn't a real material.
as a side tangent, stating that corru isn't real despite it being my second favorite thing ever shows just how much deltarune means to me. i'd never say that about those games.
or i could just be a ghost, and be really weird and voyeuristic all the time. not to watch people fuck, i'd avoid that completely. ideally if i was a ghost my libido would completely vanish. in fact if i could choose to just not be horny anymore i think that would be ideal. i don't like the feeling and it's a waste of time anyway.
back to the ghost thing i was to just exist as a collection of various concepts and themes passing through the world, just given a pair of eyes. i make people feel things inexplicably and see how they react to the revalations dwelling on these ideas brings them to.
i've stopped really caring about my physical appearance because i've come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter.
i check my bank account even less frequently than before because i've come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter.
i've stopped shaving as frequently because i'm really sad and it also doesn't really matter.
people will look at me like i'm a disgusting freak regardless. i'm used to it. i'm used to being scared of old fake ass rednecks driving comfortable pickup trucks everywhere they go.
i'm used to being scared of every single p[erson in the universe.
i'm used to going home and pretending like i'm in the world that i want to live in because it's all i really want.
it's going to be incredibly hard to talk about deltarune to my therapists because quite frankly i don't want them to undo the unhealthy relationship i've formed with the game.
which i think is pretty understandable cause it's keeping me alive at the moment.
i don't even really care about having ears and a tail anymore.
it just doesn't really bring me joy anymore, i'm inside my own head all the time, i'm used to this being just a normal piece of my internal world.
fuck man next time i gotta talk to my med manager i need to say hey i should really be on like a super high dose of an antidepressant right now.
zoloft would be funny because i wouldn't be able to orgasm and therefore my dick would turn grey and fall off.
frankly i don't really care i would rather not have sex anyway, it scares me when nobody's inebriated and i refuse to consume any more substances, save for one bottle of red wine when i turn 21.
i can't believe i've tricked so many people into thinking i'm a fairly normal individual despite writing thousands and thousands of words just like this for years.
i can't believe i've tricked so many people into thinking i'm way more mentally stable than someone who makes a neocities page with the primary intent of venting their feelings to literally nobody, but simultaneously praying that people find these things postmortem and like really read into them with a lot of dedication and care. people can't judge this negatively when i'm dead because that's just rude man, you're punching like 11 feet down on average.
i'm known by my friends as being pretty funny, which i'm of course flattered by, but at the same time the trope of the funny person being so deeply sad is really played out in fiction and not.
this isn't me trying to be ironic or make a joke i genuinely feel bad for being funny because it's so unoriginal for the mentally ill person to make good jokes and bring forth incredibly long lasting bits such as green humour.
if i was a ghost i'd be free of judgement. i think i'm just afraid of being percieved.
wow fucking really the trans person's scared of being seen who would've fucking thought. shut the fuck up and turn off your music and turn off your computer and go to bed, and don't distract yourself by trying to remember the name of the literary device of using several conjunctions in rapid succession
i looked it up it's polysyndeton i'm sorry i forgot that mr. frost.
clearly i haven't really forgot it thought because if you've been keeping up with all the bullshit that i've written on this page you'd know it's probably my absolute favorite.
though there seemed to be an antecendent there i wasn't actually talking about my junior+senior year lang+lit teacher when i said "you've".
i feel.
i feel a lot
i've been told by a good friend of mine that i tend to feel works of fiction harder than him. and by extension most people as well.
this is objectively true.
you know why mostly if you've looked at /sorry4dying, that one sure makes it really fucking clear.
i want to apologize for all the people who know me. i'm probably a very emotionally draining person to talk to. you got all your shit together and i've got a part-time janitor gig and i spend most of my time playing video games while watching old vods from a couple specific streamers.
my reflex whenever my friends open their mouths is to prepare myself to be cut into several thousand pieces. it doesn't hurt if i do it to myself first, and i would do it to myself first if i had enough energy to get out of my chair, rip a can in half, get the large bandaid and go to the bathroom.
i'm so incredibly fucked up and i'm sorry that you had to be around when i'm in the state of mind that brings me to write all of this shit.
goodnight, i'll see yall in the evening i hope. if not there'll be another one.
actually nah man i got one more side note i've hardly heard shit from gabe for forever.
i should shut the fuck up it's my fault anyway. idk i just start to feel left out when my friends get partners of their own, it's something that i can't have because of my horrific mental state so it's not like i can have somebody in my life who fills the space they leave when they go hang out with their significant other. it's really not his fault, he's exceedingly normal in this regard, it just feels bad to be lonely.
and it's not like i can be like ugghhh im so lonely! all of my friends are getting married. all of my friends are right with god. make me feel better about not really having anything but a kingdom inside my head that i can't even leave when i talk to you.
i just end up sort of working everybody into a really tragic and exaggerated narrative of my particularly unremarkable life. i cling to sadness because i can't bring anything else to the table here, it's a losing offer but i'd lose a million times before refusing to throw my skin in the ring.
it's disrespectful but i can't really avoid those times where i can't really look at people any other way beyond a plot device to furhter emphasize my hamartia that is every instance of self-sabotage that i commit myself to every time i open my eyes in the early hours of the afternoon.
it gets really hard to see them as people who interact with me like people do and treat me like a person when i haven't seen them in person in so long and haven't really had an honest conversation with them in a thousand years (maybe even 2 thousand)
i guess i just lack object permanance, and i'm using this trait as a metaphor in the narrative to convey the idea that i don't know how to maintain my self-worth when other people aren't immediately present in my vacinity to unknowingly validate my existence with every second of their very presence.
it's a deep insecurity i guess but frankly i'm reluctant to use that word because it also applies to a lot of people who misuse it in bluntly terrible ways that immediately present a negative impact to the lives of the people around them. at least mine is more insidious and only shows its face once you really get to know me, which for the luckiest people will never happen, and for most people will never happen because i have to be around people for a long fucking time to let loose how mentally fucked i am.
i am truly sick in the head, i am a diseased animal and i should probably have died a while ago but i'm still here, i'm just making it everyone else's problem for one purely selfish reason and it's to see the conclusion to the story which i've based my entire existance around for the past 7 months now.
i don't deserve friendship. i don't deserve love. i don't deserve to feel safe in my own home.
etc etc
i don't deserve any of those things because i won't make any good come of them anyway, i throw all the good things far away from me because i feel so infinitely guilty when i feel joy. it's better off just to feel sad so i don't have to deal with the dread that seeps in the second i stop being filled with blinding glee.
god i'm so sorry that i can't interact with any of you in normal ways, it's all my fault. i don't know how to interact with people.
i'm so sorry that i expected you to read all this.
instead of ending the essay lecture webpage writing there though i just decided that i have to keep going because i think that i deserve to be truly miserable forever and feel no resolution for the rest of my days. i want the first time i check the clock on my phone to fill me with self-hate. i want to go to bed and i want to go to sleep and i don't want to feel rested when i wake up because i don't deserve it.
i want to make a slight mistake driving, just enough for my dad to comment on it so i can dwell on it forever and feel really really fucking bad about it.
i should really check into a psych ward sometime in the next couple months. but they're expensive and i check the reviews every time and they all seem to really suck. like honestly they'd probably just make me worse. or maybe i'd be in there for way too long and i'd cost my dad too much money and i'd lose my job because nobody wants an employee too depressed to work a job that requires maybe 90 minutes of actual work.
when i think about an idea without shutting it down i tend to follow through. i just thought about going to the gas station to get a lot of energy drinks to stay up so late to make myself suffer and then i just kind of ended up doing all of those things. i was powerless to stop it.
i get really afraid that i'll do the really bad things that my mind throws my way at random. i think a lot of really terrible things all the time. i could call people so many horrible things i have to shut my mouth so that i don't do that.
it's a lot of things i don't want, i'm extremely hesitant to use the phrase 'intrusive thoughts' even though that is precisely what they are, because as many psychological terms have, that one has been diluted to the point of meaninglessness. motherfuckers pick up a knife and go oh wow my intrusive thoughts are real wild today because they thought they might stab themselves or cut off a finger or something. i'm better than that, the plan falls into my head to cut open a non-lethal artery and smear the blood across the walls, reach into the cabinets and break all the glasses, hurl the knife at the television, leave every burner on high, break down the door, break my car through the garage door and drive into a lake and i have to try really fucking hard to not do all that.
but i don't actually have to try hard to not do those things, though it feels as if i let my guard weaken itself for one second i will follow through on a completely absurd string of actions that don't make any degree of logical sense.
oh my god i need to be honest with mental health professionals that i get in contact with.
i almost checked myself into a psych ward last spring break until i checked the reviews.
i'm going to obsess over the thought despite my last year's 'better judgement'. it's gonna be real fun to deal with for the next few months.
my head's gonna be a nice one to deal with for the next few years.
i need some help. this was maybe the most worrying piece of work i've ever written.
on top of that it's fucking cringe anyway and doesn't actually communicate the full extent of these issues, i don't think anybody's gonna take me seriously, they're just gonna see me as one of those lame suicidal people!
i am literally the worst person in this world.
i'm going to bed now, i will set an alarm for 3pm. see yall tomorrow or w/e
_
i can't end this fucking thing, i just like physically cannot stop.
ok, quickly now disregard everything you just read lets get my shit in order
issue 1 - i've never been capable of being honest with therapists/psychiatrists/counselors because i'm afraid that they'll permanently fix the issues i deal with on a day-to-day basis
issue 2 - i'm too sad to do literally anything beneficial for myself. i feel compelled to fail in every way that i can.
issue 3 - i get really truly horrible, vile intrusive thoughts that make me feel like i am a totally sick individual and i don't want to think these things anymore.
issue 4 - i want to be sad all the time
issue 5 - i can't tell anybody just how obsessed i am with ut/dr because they will hate me forever and abandon me.
issue 6 - abandonment issues across the board.
i'm too tired to finish this list, it's not at all exaustive but that's enough to extrapolate the rest of the shit i'm dealing with tbh.
if this is your only impression of me somehow, you'd think that i'm not a very kind person but i swear i try my very best to be.
i never really tell people why i'm so nice all the time, and when people compliment me on how much work i put into trying to be as kind as possible it's extremely hard for me to take it because of this whole other side of me that is doing really shitty. i'm afraid of saying "thanks it's because i'm terrified you'll leave me behind forever if i'm not this nice" even though it's prrecisely how i feel.
obviously it's not all out of obligation, i do truly want to be nice to as many people as i possibly can it makes me happy! it's just that the overwhelming feeling of fear never goes away, and it's hard to see it as anything other than the primary cause of me doing my absolute best to be as kind as i can manage to everybody in my life.
i'm an awful person jesus fucking christ.